Daydreams
by EKBlack
Summary: Tatsuki introspection vignette; beware my dread foray into angst territory.


Daydreams--A Sono te wo Dokero vignette

By eva_kokaze_black

__

I never want to see you hurt.

I could never hurt you.

But why?

Don't I hate you? I hate you! You started it all! You made me become what I am! If it weren't for you I wouldn't have to deal with any of this! I could be normal!

But...if you were the one who had powers, then you would be like me. You would hate everything, you would pick fights in the streets, you...if I was normal and you had my powers, you'd want to die too. You'd hate me. And if you hated me...if you hated me...I don't know what I would do. I would still want to die. So it's a no-win game for me. With my powers I want to die, without my powers, I still want to die. _The only way is for me to hate you. To look away from you when you say my name, when you greet me. To not give in the gentleness of you. To stay cold and hard, ice that your warmth can't melt. I cannot allow myself to give in._

But I can't forget all the times you saved me. 

And now you've given your own powers up, for me. You weren't trying to poison my life . You were trying to save my life instead. And now I can maybe try to let you melt me. Just a little.

When I saw you there, tangled in the microphone cord on the couch in that karaoke place, when that man said to me that you were dead, when he taunted me with you...just remembering it makes me want to hit something. How terribly quiet you were; how terribly cold. But then you called my name. "Ta--tsuki," you said. Some part of my shell definitely crumbled when you said that, so softly. 

I should thank you. I should say...I should...want to say so many things to you. At least I've got time. Maybe one day...

"Ah, watch out, Tatsuki!" A small body bumps into me and I stumble. It's him. "Are you daydreaming? I wouldn't have thought it of you." He's happy and a little flushed; it must be that girlfriend of his. I wonder what he'd do if he heard the things I needed to say to him. Probably leave me and go back to his parents in the country. Probably never want to see me again.

He turns to me and reaches out his hand, smiling. Instinctively I start to pull away from him but then remember that it's now safe to touch him. But still I draw away, because heat is creeping up into my face. I turn away so he doesn't see it, and I can practically feel his indignation. "Hey, why--"

"Just be quiet and come on. We'll be late." I reach behind me and half-drag him to the waiting motorbike. He still looks miffed when I turn to check that he has his helmet on securely, and as we speed home I grin to myself. 

__

Why do you look so hurt?

Who hurt you?

I know. It was me, again. I am the one who hurts you, always. _I hate you for being here! You're too pure, too good, too ignorant of the evil of the world! Every time I look at you I am reminded of my own filthiness and corrupted soul...how could you have had such power but still be so innocent? But if you weren't here, I wouldn't be able to function at all. Without you I would have died ten years ago in that pond. Without your goodness I would be dead now while you would be with those crazy doctors, most likely some kind of supernatural assassin or something.I hate your purity. I...no, I don't hate it. It is as though you are the embodiment of what I might have been, as well, if I hadn't been saved by you. You are my savior, you are the other me, the other side of the hand, the other face of the moon. _

I wish I were you.

At the same time, I don't. I don't think that I could ever be so forgiving, so generous towards someone as distant and uncaring as me. I'm too selfish. But this ineffable giving spirit in you, this kindness that I long for so much...it's exactly what I love about you. I will never allow anyone to take that from you. 

Author babble: Comments? This was a result of the Sono Santa Claus brought me for Christmas and the conclusion of my YnM fic, _Idols I have Loved so Long _(finally). Short and sweet, eh? ~_~;; Guess who's narrating. -e.k.b.-


End file.
